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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26025991">No Ordinary Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist'>LeastExpected_Archivist</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Death, Drama, Incest, M/M, no happy ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2002-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2002-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:54:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,624</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26025991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>by Az</p><p>Elladan is in love with Elrohir, and reverse but neither of them is able to admit it to the other, afraid to have their hearts broken.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elladan/Elrohir (Tolkien)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Least Expected</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Garden of Soulitude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at <a href="http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected">Least Expected</a>, which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile">Least Expected collection profile</a>.</p><p>Disclaimer: I don't own all the pretty elvies, Tolkien's estate do and it makes me equally depressed every time I think of it. so don't sue me!</p><p>Feedback: be gentle. :) im really trying here, feedback would be wonderfull :). </p><p>Story Notes: hey! im aware that this is the second time i submit this fic but i learned that my others chapters had too many spelling errors :/ im sorry! but in this one, you will proberbly find some too. but hey it'a as good at it gets from me! :)</p><p>Thousand hugs to my beta Kuriosa, I love you woman, thank you for finding the time to do this for me, especially since i know how much my spelling sucks! and thanks to Bersaba for being my muse, thousand hugs to you. Thanks to Milly and Huriwen for being my favorite perverts!</p><p>- and to you guys who mailed me, hugs to you too! - thank you it ment a lot!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elladan did not know where it had begun, maybe it had been there always? There was a time when it had not been a problem for him, sharing his bed with his sibling.. He had always admired Elrohir, been impressed with his skills. Elrohir was one of those kinds of elfs who was good at everything.. Whatever he decided to pick up, he mastered within the year, And who ever he decided to court was his within the evening.. Elladan felt sick to the core, This could not be true, and yet he knew it to be so. For years he had stolen glimpses of Elrohir, wanting him from afar. Wanting him not as a confidant, not as a brother, but as something else.. He had made a futile attempt to make Elrohir understand that they should not share room.. Elrohir, his blessing and curse..</p><p>Elladan sighed and leaned back against the tree trunk... Suddenly someone stood panting in front of him, strange that he had not heard someone coming. "Elladan, finally I found you. Why have you been hiding here?" Elladan opened his eyes slowly, And focused on his mirror image, "I haven't been hiding, I just needed some time alone" .. Elladan smiled strained.. Elrohir smiled and padded his brothers shoulder, He leaned in to whisper something..<br/>Elladan felt his brothers warm breath and his lips brush his ear.. Why was the gods testing him so? "Tyalieien have been looking for you all day" Elrohir whispered, and Elladan felt the lips on his ear curl upwards into a smile.. "Will you go see her?" Elladan sighed.. No way he was going to spend time with Tyalieien, He couldn't stand her company, hated her stare and her frequent touches.. "I am needed in the study" Elladan lied.. Elrohir looked worried at his brother.. "Surely you don't mean to spend such a lovely day inside?" Yes if it will take me far away from you, and that female, Elladan thought, but didn't utter a word.. "Oh well" Elrohir said, And looked at his brothers stoneface.. "I will just direct her to the study then, And maybe she can take your mind off those old books" he said softly and giggled.. Elladan looked mortified.. "NO!! Don't you dare tell her where i am" he unwillingly yelled and quickly clasped a hand over his mouth... Elrohir stopped his giggling.. "Ok, if it means that much to you, I wont say a word.. " Elladan moved uncomfortably in his seat.. "Thank you" he whispered.. Elrohir just smiled worried, and kissed Elladan gently on the for head.. "Don't worry about it" he whispered, and left just as quickly as he had emerged...</p><p>Elladan sat alone again, watching his brother run over the grass towards the house.. Elrohir loved him, no doubt about it.. Loved him more than anything on the face of Adar, But that just seemed to pain Elladan more.. That Elrohir put his trust in him, Lay his life in his hands when on patrol, and in return he only got Elladan's impure thoughts, His unnameable fantasies.... He could feel he was on the verge of crying.. He bit his lip, No way was he going to sit here in the garden and cry like a elfling! He stood up with a sudden move and walked towards the house.</p><p>Hours later, Elladan sat in the study, drinking some tea and reading, trying to distract his troubled mind.. When the door suddenly gently was pushed open, Elladan looked up from his book.. "Ada? What brings you here?" He asked softly.. Elrond smiled warmly and walked over behind his son, and massaged his shoulders.. "I just wanted to see what you were doing this afternoon" Elrond said.. Elladan relaxed under his fathers touch and leaned his head back to rest against Elrond's chest. "Uhm, nothing really, just reading a bit" Elladan said.. Elrond stopped massaging and looked down on his son... "Elrohir tells me you asked for separate bedrooms, why is that? Did you have a fallout or so?" Elladan could have laughed at his fathers concerned look, but just smiled.. "Honestly ada, its no such thing.. You know me and Elrohir could never stay mad at each other" Elrond smiled reassuring to Elladan.. "I know.." As much as Elrond wanted to know the reason behind Elladan's wish, He also knew better than to push his son, so he took up the massage instead, saying nothing further.. After what seemed like forever, Elladan broke the silence.. "I just thought that he would get more privacy that way", his voice dropped to a whisper, "and its not like we are joined at the hip, ada.. He can have a life" Elrond chuckled, he had just all ways seen them as inseparable.. Elladan was right, he had noticed that Elrohir had become quite the catch amongst the females, and maybe Elladan just felt that his brother needed some time to run off his horns.. "Yes! I agree.." Elrond said softly "I will grant your wish and have a room prepared for you within the week.." Elladan sighed.. Within the week?. No NOW, he wanted to yell at his father, but just took a sip of his tea instead. "Thank you ada.. I love you" he said and looked up at his father.. "I love you too Elladan" Elrond said and tucked in a stand of rebel hair that kept falling down in Elladans eyes.. Elladan returned his gaze to the book in front of him. And Elrond knew that this was Elladans way of saying - end of discussion- so he let go of his sons shoulders with a gentle squeeze.. "I hope you will join us for dinner later" he said and looked at Elladan.. "Sure" came the answer from Elladan,<br/>who was trying very hard to keep his eyes on the words in the book...</p><p>When Elrond finally left, Elladan let out a sigh of relief.. He couldn't wait un till it was his turn to go on patrol again.</p><p>When night fell, Elladans eyes hurt from reading in the dim light. He closed the book, and massaged his temples.. What was the time? Had he missed dinner? His stomach was growling, so it had to be so... Why hadn't anyone come to get him? He pushed the chair back, and got up slowly.. He was tired and wanted nothing else but to sleep, But the meer thought of getting under the sheets with Elrohir was enough to jerk him awake again. He decided to go to the kitchen, and grab some food.. He opened the door to the corridor, and heard cheer full laughter from the garden.. He walked as fast as he could, Trying to shut out the fact, that he recognized the chuckle.. He was just going to get some food and then to bed.. If Elrohir weren't there, Maybe he would be able to fall asleep.. Elladan sighed again.. Who was he kidding? He would lay awake and wait for Elrohir... He stopped outside the kitchen.. Now he had lost his appetite as well.. He walked slowly down the corridor again, and stopped by the doors to the garden.. He could see the silhuette of Elrohir, and some maid.. From what Elladan could see, Elrohir was feeding the girl sweet fruits... Elladan looked away, Ashamed that he wished that he would feed him sweet strawberrys from those slender fingers... Elladan shook his head... He was sick, that was what he was... If sick, there was a cure, ada all ways said so!</p><p>Elladan walked down the soft lit corridor towards his and Elrohirs shared room.. He slowly pushed the door open, as if expecting someone to be there, But the room was dark and empty.. Elladan smiled.. He was not able to face anybody right now... He stepped inside and closed the door, Walked towards the large bed him and his brother had shared for so many years, And then he quickly stripped down and slid the nightshirt on.. He sat down on the bed and hid his face in his hands... When had it gone this far, this much out of control? When did he long so much it was impossible even to have a normal conversation with his twin?? He could not keep this up, Elrohir or father would suspect something. To get a separate room was just not enough.. He would have to pursuade father to let him go somewhere... Yes! That was it! Tell Elrond that he needed a year in his grandparents care... To attain better skills at woodmanship.. Yes! That was the answer! Elladan threw himself on his back on top of the covers.. But how would he prevent Elrohir from going with him? Elrohir would not understand and would probably not let him go alone.. He would have to have a plan... Think Elladan... Think!.. He scoled on himself! Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't notice anything before the door was opened slowly And Elrohir walked into the room.. He walked over to the figure on the bed.. "Elladan?" He whispered.. "What's wrong?" Elladan was brutally ripped from his musings And quickly sat up.. "Nothing... I was just lost in thoughts... Why do you ask?" Elrohir looked concerned, sat down between Elladans legs, and reached up his hand to caress Elladan's chin. He wiped off a tear.. "Because you are crying. .Oh Elladan, please tell me.. Who hurt you so?" Elladan smiled.. "No one dear brother, I was just in melancholic thoughts.." Elladan could see that Elrohir did not believe him at all, but as long as he stopped asking, he didn't care.. Elrohir wiped off more of Elladan's tears.. "Go to sleep Elladan.. Maybe some rest will cheer you up" he said softly... Elladan caressed Elrohir's hair, "Perhaps so" he whispered.. Elrohir let go of him and stood up.. "Good" he said, smiled and then walked over to the other side of the bed..</p><p>Elladan crawled down under the covers with his back to his brother.. He did not have to watch to know.. He heard the fabric of Elrohir's clothes hit the ground and he could see Elrohir's pale flawless skin behind his tightly closed eyelids.. How he longed to touch it.. To taste it.. To have it flush with desire just for him.. To his horror he felt, that he got aroused by these thoughts. And he curled up to a little ball, Praying that Elrohir wouldn't notice..</p><p>Elrohir silently slipped under the covers as well and drowsy cuddled up behind Elladan.. Elladan froze.. What was he to do??<br/>When Elrohir buried his face in his neck, he had to stifle a yelp.. When he wrapped a arm around Elladan's waist, he could have screamed... Every nerve in his body could feel Elrohir's touch and responded by sending a fire down To his groin... Elladan made a little pathetic noise and Elrohir tightened his grip around him.. "Why wont you tell me?" Elrohir whispered sleepy against Elladans neck and when Elladan didn't Answer, Elrohir continued "we used to share everything.. Why do you shun me Elladan?" Elladan could feel his tears begin to fall again.. "I just can't tell you" He said with a strained voice.. He wanted to roll over and kiss those soft lips he felt Against his neck, or run away... What ever he did, he could not stay like this.. "I worry about you Elladan, something is wrong, I can feel it and it saddens me.." Elladan bit his lip.. Those words hurt him more than Elrohir could ever imagine, The last thing he wanted was to hurt his brother.. It was so unfair that Elrohir had to suffer under this, his forbidden dreams, his dark desire. "I'm so sorry" Elladan whispered with a strained voice.. Elrohir stifled a yawn.. "Lets talk in the morning" he whispered and placed a soft kiss against Elladan's neck... A slight moan escaped Elladan's lips, but if Elrohir heard, he did not react.. Elladan was more than thank full for this, while he lay there, Waiting for his brother to fall asleep..</p><p>Once he heard Elrohirs breathing steady, he gently removed Elrohirs arm and ever so slowly moved out of Elrohirs embrace.. Out of the bed.. Once he stood on the floor, he grabbed a robe and leaned over to kiss his sleeping brother.. Elrohir smiled and mumbeld something, Elladan turned around and quickly left the room... He hurried through the corridors and out into the garden, thankfull that he did not meet anybody on his way..</p><p>He walked quickly to the other end of the garden and sat down, leaning against a large tree.. There he finally let his tears fall freely... He would break Elrohir's heart if he told him, But if he didn't he would break his own.. There was no escape from this.. The fire in his groin was still there and Elladan slowly opened his robe... He gently caressed his own need, he had to get release from this tension. To let his fantasies run wild in this place where there was no one to tell him he was wrong.. Here Elrohir would respond to his kisses.. To his touches.. He would ask for him to make love to him and Elladan would gladly grant him his wish. Making him tremble with need again and again.. Elladan gasped for air as he found his release in his own hand... He sat there panting against the tree, but this act somehow seemed to make him feel. More lonely than anything else...<br/>He wiped his hand and belly clean and got up to walk back to the house... How was he ever to get back into that bed?? He had to, that much he knew..</p><p>He returned the same way he had gone out and finally he sat down on the bed where Elrohir slept.. He was lying on his back and had kicked off the covers.. Elladan sighed.. He couldn't wait for father to get that room ready for him.. He would have to remind him again in the morning. Elladan stood up and slipped out of the robe.. Quickly crawled back into the bed, dragging the covers over his head, when suddenly, Elrohir rolled over and wrapped his leg and arm around Elladans side.. "Where have you been?" he whispered.. Elladan paled, he had no idea that Elrohir had noticed he was gone.. "Hush.. Go back to sleep" he whispered back.. "Mmm I just wish you would tell me what torments you so" Elrohir mumbled.. Elladan gently began to stroke Elrohirs hand.. "Don't worry beloved, just go back to sleep.." Elrohir mumbled something more, but Elladan could not tell what it was, and was just happy, that Elrohir had fallen asleep again... When sleep finally claimed Elladan. He welcomed the dreamless bliss that followed...</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Plays for Today</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The following morning, Elladan woke with Elrohir sitting down in the bed next to him.. To Elladan's surprise, he was carrying a tray with bread and fruit.. Elladan looked at Elrohir and the food.. "What.. Ehm.. Why?" Elladan knew his brother better than this.. "What are you up to Elrohir?" he said and looked firmly at his twin.. Elrohir shifted a little nervously in his seat.. "Ehm, I just thought that you were so troubled last night. That I wanted to cheer you up a little.." Elladan rolled his eyes, "Oh yes, and pigs have wings.." Elladan paused and looked at Elrohir again.. "Really Elrohir, what did you do?" Elrohir looked away and suddenly lit up in a grin.. "Promise you won't get mad" he giggled.. "About what?!" Elladan said in his stricktest voice, trying to sound like Elrond.. Elrohir began to laugh.. "Ok its like this; I figured that the reason for you sulking about, was that the maidens seem to pay attention to me, not you... So i thought that" Elrohir trailed off and Elladan looked utterly surpriced.. "What did you do?" Elladan said with his mouth full of food..<br/>"I ehm, kinda... Ehm... Arranged a little meeting for you later..." Elladan splurtet out half eaten food all over the bed.. "What?! You set me up with some female?" Elrohir stopped giggling and looked serious,<br/>"Yes Elladan, I thought it would do you good to get some ...Ehm.. Attention" Elrohir confessed... Elladan looked angry now, not like Elrohir would have thought, he would have reacted.. He had thought that he might be surprised, but not mad.. After all, he was only doing him a favour...<br/>"No!.. I wont do it! Elrohir. By the Valar how could you? I'm not your charity case! If I wanted a maid I would court one!" Elladan hissed.. Elrohir looked startled at his brother.. "But.. But.. I just thought that..." Elladan pushed the tray away from his legs and got out of the bed in one fluid move.. Elrohir turned around to look at his brother... "But why are you so mad at me?" he whispered.. Elladan didn't answer, he just went to the bathroom.. "Elladan!.. Answer me!." Elrohir yelled after his brother, only to get up and walk after him into the bathroom..</p><p>Elladan stood at the bowl of water and splashed water in his face.. When Elrohir entered, he turned around and looked strangely hurt... The facial expression on Elladan confused Elrohir... Elladan looked so frail as he stood there, with wet hair sticking to his face and a childish pout.. "Oh now i know" Elrohir exclaimed releaved and moved closer to Elladan, who looked like he was about to panic.. "You simply do not prefer a maid to warm your bed... That's it, isn't it?" Elrohir said softly.. Elladan couldn't believe what he had just heard and had no idea what to answer.. If only he could make Elrohir believe this, that him lusting for another male was the problem.. Then he could easily explain the request for a separate bedroom and him wanting to go off on patrol alone.. Besides, it was not like he was lying to his brother, so he just nodded.. "Oh Elladan, silly, silly you! You really should just have told me" Elrohir said in a cheer full voice in the hope to make all fear leave his brothers mind.. He walked over and hugged Elladan lovingly..<br/>"I know someone you would be happy to meet then... Believe me, he knows a trick or two.. Unless off course, someone all ready holds your heart..." Elrohir whispered in a husky tone.. Elladan that had been lost in his brothers embrace, had not heard what his brother said and there for just answered, "what ever you say", closed his eyes and inhaled the sweet scent of the other... "Fantastic!" Elrohir whispered and planted a kiss on Elladan's cheek dangerously close to his lips.. "I will go send a message for him right now!" he giggled, as if they were doing something forbidden, turned and hurried out of the room.. When it finally dawned to Elladan what he had agreed on, he let out a frustrated grunt.. He was sure that Elrohir would not keep tight and that he would tell father.. Elrond would be here faster than lightning.. To tell him that everything was all right and that he didn't care what kind of lover his sons had, as long as they were happy.. But that was just the problem, he would never be happy again.. He needed completion.. He was not Elrohir, who took pleasure in any beautiful creature who was willing to give it to him.. He needed someone to share his soul with and not just -Someone -somebody, but Elrohir... Elladan slowly finished up and had just begun to braid his hair when he heard that well known knock on the door.</p><p>"Come in ada" he said flatly.. Damn that had been fast, he thought.. Had Elrohir met him in the corridor? "Elladan.." Elrond said softly and came up behind him..."Let me braid your hair this morning.." Elladan sighed at his fathers request, but sat down in front of the bed so it would be easier for Elrond.. This familiar touch made Elladan sadden.. He didn't like to withhold anything from his father, but nor would he dare to tell him the truth.. He leaned back on Elrond's chest, the sound of his fathers heartbeat had always calmed him as a child... Why did it not work now?.. Suddenly Elladan turned around, hugged his father around the waist and burried his face in Elronds rich robe.. Elrond who was caught slightly off guard by this, responded with holding Elladan close.. "Elladan, my sweet child... What is the matter with you? I wish you would confide in someone.. It hurts us all so to see you like this.. You are but a shadow of yourself..." Elrond whispered stroking Elladan's hair gently.. Finally Elladan gave in, he could do nothing else.. He began to sob and clinged on to his father for dear life.. Oh how I wish I could tell you ada, he thought... Elrond held his crying son closer..<br/>"Please Elladan, I can not help you if you do not tell me" he whispered against the top of Elladan's head.. How on the face of Arda was he to tell his father what was tormenting him so? Maybe he would buy the same lie as Elrohir, he had to! "Didn't Elrohir tell you?" Elladan whispered and let go of his father a little.. "No, I have not spoken to Elrohir today.. I saw him run down the corridor as if Gothmog himself was after him, or maybe just Erestor.." Elrond chuckled at his own joke, but Elladan did not join in his weak attempt to cheer him up.. Elrohir had not told father? Why had he come here then? Aiii, was it that obvious? Elladan looked up at his fathers concerned face.. "I....I.." he began.. It was harder to lie to his father than to Elrohir... "I am not like Elrohir... I.." Elladan took a deep breath and closed his eyes "I have no love for maidens.." There.. He said it.. He had almost told his father the truth, almost.....Elrond smiled reassuring.. "Oh sweetest Elladan" he just said...Not an accept, but then again, Elladan had not expected one.. "I'm sorry ada" he whispered and rested his head against Elronds chest again... "There was no need to keep that within.. Nothing you could possibly do would make me love you less, you know that" Elrond said softly.. Elladan nodded and bit his lip.. If Elrond had just known the whole truth, he would have sendt him in exile somewhere and never allowed him near Rivendell again... Never close to Elrohir.. Elladan heard Elrond take a deep breath to talk and he felt the panic well up in every nerve of his body.. It felt like a million little spiders crawling up towards his scalp.. He knew what would come next, but still when he heard his fathers voice ask him, he couldn't help but flinch.. "Anyone special?" Elladan wanted to run... Had he been able to, he would have darted out of the room.. "No" he mumbled quickly and hoped his father would believe him...</p><p>Elrond sat there with Elladan for a long time, Un till he felt that his son relaxed.. Elladan reluctantly let go of his father and got up on his feet... "I'm ok ada... Honestly.." Elrond just looked at Elladan and for once he did not believe a word Elladan told him.. "You must have matters to attend to ada and so have I... I'm sorry I kept you here for so long" Elladan said and lend his father a hand to help him stand.. "Very well" Elrond sighed and took Elladans hand..</p><p>With Elrond out of the door Elladan sighed and leaned heavily against the door.. That had been close.. Too close.. He had to get out... Had to keep himself busy.. While home from patrol, he had no real chores, but he would go to the weapons master to see if he could help train some young soldiers, he used to do that... It would not look as an escape..</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Wicked Game</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elrohir had tried to talk his father from letting Elladan have his own chambers, but had no luck.. Elrohir stood and looked at the room he and Elladan had shared for so many years.. He sighed and lay on the bed.. He could still smell Elladan on the covers.. This smell he would be without, his heart could not bear it... Why had he arranged that stupid meeting for Elladan? Because his brother was sad and he was so eager to make him happy again... Elrohir rolled unto his back, letting his legs dangle over the edge of the bed.. He still saw the image of Elladan from this morning, with damp hair in the bathroom... Oh he knew why, he thought to himself and smiled ... If he had not done so, he would have told his beloved twin that he was the most wonder full being he had ever lay his eyes on.. Oh yeah, that was sure to go over well, he thought sarcastic.. Elrohir frowned.. What should one say? Oh but dearest Elladan, I can make you happy again, if you only let me.. Let me taste those rose petal lips and watch your eyes grow dark with need... Elrohir slammed his fist down in the madras.. It was not something you said to your brother.. Elladan would surely think that he had gone mad.. He had tried everything... Tried to drown these feelings in others, pretending they were Elladan.. No one would have to know.. No one would ever know! Elrohir had sworn this to himself a long time ago...</p><p>He could still remember the first time he had seen Elladan like <em>that</em>.. It had been on a patrol, long time ago.. Elladan had snuck down to wash himself in the Bruinen and Elrohir had followed, like he all ways did.. What ever Elrohir said or thought, he had all ways felt like he was in Elladans shadow and this only made him try even harder to best him..</p><p>Elladan had already been in the river when he got there and just there and then, Elrohir had been smitten... He would never again find true pleasure in another if it was not Elladan.. He knew it then.. He felt it then... Like a thousand little electric jolts through his body.. He had made a surprised yelp and Elladan had turned around... Wet and naked and blushing ever so slightly.. He had seemed surprised as well and had covered himself up instantly.. Elrohir had thought that Elladan had already guessed why he was acting strange, but apparently not, for Elladan had seemed distract and very eager to return to camp.. Elrohir had been relieved.. He had managed to keep his new discovery hidden from his twin and for him to keep something hidden from Elladan was almost impossible.</p><p>No.. He had to talk Elladan out of the moving into another chamber idea.. He would not be without sleeping next to him, cuddling up to him, smell him and feel his heartbeat.. This was all he had... As much as he liked the pleasures of others, just as much did he yearn and crave for the intimacy that only existed while they slept..</p><p>Elladan was looking at some beautiful crafted swords, trying to decide which one to take, when he heard footsteps behind him... "Glor.." he said turning around, thinking it was his fathers advisor and friend, but it was not.. It was Elrohir.. Elladan felt like he was trapped and the accusing look on his twins face just made it worse... "Elladan, we need to talk" he said.. Oh no! Elldan thought.. He knows, he saw it, he felt it... How could I be so stupid? I might be able to fool ada, but not Elrohir... Oh by the Valar! Elrohir must have noticed the panic, for he reached his hand out and took Elldans hand.. "Will you walk with me?" he asked softly.. "Yes off course" Elladan said, feeling the tingling sensation of Elrohirs hand in his.. He would never be able to deny his brother anything.. Elrohir didn't say anything, but just dragged off with Elladan until they were in the large garden..</p><p>Elrohir took Elladan's other hand and stood in front of him.. Elladan looked into the ground not sure what to say or do.. "Look at me Elladan" Elrohir said quietly.. Elladan slowly raised his head and looked into his brothers endless grey eyes... Elrohir did not so much as blink.. "Please don't go through with this Elladan... I would be very lonely if you choose to get your own separate chambers..." Elladan looked surprised.. This was not what he had expected... Oh well, what had he expected? "You don't understand. I have to, Elrohir" Elladan whispered desperately.. Elrohir tightened the grip on his brothers hands... "I don't care Elladan! Do not leave me alone." It pained Elladan like nothing else to see his brother so sad.. "Please... don't.." Elladan begged, but Elrohir didn't stop.. His grip on Elladan's hands was now so hard he could not feel his own hands anymore.. "Why do you avoid me so? Did I do or say something wrong? Something so wrong that I have earned your coldness?" Elrohir could not help himself anymore and the last words came out as little sobs.. He felt the tears begin to run down his cheeks.. He didn't care if Elladan thought him weak or little, he just wanted him to stay.. At the sight of Elrohirs tears and obvious sorrow, Elladan gathered Elrohir in an embrace.. "You never did anything wrong beloved.. never! Please don't cry Elrohir." Elladan felt like his heart would burst when Elrohir cried harder at his words.. "Then why?" Elrohirs plea hung in the air and Elladan could not give him an answer.. Would not, but Elrohir still needed one. He was entitled. "Sweetest Elrohir, think of all the maids you can entertain when I'm not there" Elladan said in a stained voice...Elrohir pushed Elladan away from him.. "Is that it?" he gasped and Elladan nodded helplessly.. It was the truth after all..</p><p>Elrohir couldn't believe his ears... Was that really what bothered Elladan? Why would that affect him? Not knowing what really happened in just that moment, he took Elladan's head in his hands and kissed him. Not like a brother, but as a lover.. Elladan was so surprised by the kiss, that he did not know how to react.. He had dreamed of this for so long that it seemed like an eternity... He let Elrohir deepen the kiss and at the taste of the other, the silk tongue tasting him, Elladan felt like he was about to faint.. This was so right and at the same time, oh so wrong..... When Elrohir ended the kiss, Elladan opened his eyes and looked at his brother.. Elrohir's grey orbs were glowing with love, his lips slightly parted, bruised from kissing his own.. This magnificent view made Elladan breathless.. Elrohir broke the silence... "if you go, I will follow.."</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. To Have, Not to Hold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(I see only what I wanna see, I hear only what I wanna hear)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Why he had run, he did not know. Was this not what he wanted? Had he not wanted to taste? To touch? Elladan sat alone in the hay ment for the horses, he needed to be alone. He sobbed quietly, not to make anyone aware that he was there.<br/>Had he not wanted that kiss? Had it not started a flame? A flame that would burn up his body and soul he thought bitterly. It had been wrong! Against all laws of his fathers realm, against all morale of both elves and men, maybe even orcs. He felt dirty. Why did Elrohir play games with him? And why had he fallen for it? Deep inside he knew. Because he so desperately needed to believe, that these frightening feelings was not his alone, that they shared that too. Elladan hid his face in his hands. He could still taste Elrohir. Could still feel his hands on him, burning his skin. Could feel his own arousal grow, heard himself moan in his brothers mouth, felt the warm skin when he had gently pushed his hands up under Elrohir's tunic. Had allowed his hands to know the firm chest of his love. Elrohir had mirrored his move and when his brother had slowly moved his hands down his back. He had felt like his knees would give in, his world spun around. He had felt so at home in that touch, it scared him. Terrified him. Right there and then he had lost his heart and when he had felt his brothers warm dry hand gently touching the tip of his weeping need, he had crumbled. The world had fallen apart. He had pushed Elrohir away and not even stayed long enough for him to get back on his feet. Not able to look into his eyes. -If you go, I will follow- was that not his words? Then why had he not? Why had he stayed behind? Had he himself even wanted him to follow? Elladan was confused and ever so lost. What was he going to do? The spring feast was already being planned, he could not ask ada's permission to leave in the middle of a grand party but after, yes! Immediately after, he would ask, even beg him if he had to, to let him leave. Alone to Lothlorien.</p><p>Elrohir had been so startled when Elladan pushed him and ran away, he yelled after him, begged him to stay. Screamed that he was sorry and he was. Sorry that he had scared off Elladan, his twin, his love, his heart. Not sorry he had kissed him. He had felt the urge in Elladan's mouth, the desperation in his touch. He had seen the lust and the guilt mingle in his eyes. A look that had mirrored his own. Elrohir walked slowly back to the house. Maybe it was a good thing he had sent that message. Maybe the fair prince of Mirkwood could chase the shadows from Elladan. Maybe Legolas would soothe the pain where he himself had failed. Elrohir smiled to himself, remembering the last time he met Legolas. Oh yes, he would be perfect to rid Elladan of his dark mood. Elrohir felt a little sting in his heart by imagening Legolas and Elladan together. If Legolas was able to lift the spirit on his beloved brother, who then, was going to comfort him? He would usually go to Elladan when the world was dark and all hope seemed lost, drowning his fears in the familiar touch of his brother. That he had lost, that and so much, much more. He kicked a stone on his path. Elladan had wanted that kiss just as much as him. Or not??? What if Elladan was just confused and had played along? No that could not be so. That was not like Elladan, but come to think of it, Elladan had not been himself for some time and all those nightly trips he made. He always came back later, smelling of the fresh air and something else, Elrohir could not quite put his finger on. Lust. The smell of pleasure given and taken. Oh yes, he had noticed Elladan sneak out of bed. Where did he go? Who's bed did he warm? Just how stupid did Elladan think he was? For the last two years it had been going on and he did not ever recall Elladan being bewitched by the stars to the point where he would give up his sleep.</p><p>That night Elrohir lay awake waiting for Elladan who never came. He tossed and turned, trying to figure out where his twin could possibly be and not untill the break of dawn Elrohir finally dozed off.</p><p>Elladan opened the door quietly and walked as silent as he could. Suddenly he stopped at the end of the bed and looked at Elrohir lying there on his back, naked as the day he was born with the covers thrown on the floor. Streaks of dried tears showed on Elrohir's cheeks. Elladan's heart leaped of joy at the mere sight of his brother like that, but that leap became a turning dagger. How he had wished for him to be waiting like this, but he knew it not to be true. Who did you entertain in my bed dear brother? Elladan thought to himself. I hope it was worth it. He frowned, fighting the urge to lay down beside his twin and let his hands freely roam that pale skin. Until.. Until.. Elladan could not think that thought to an end. This was his burden to bear, he should not really blame Elrohir, but still. It hurt to be so close.</p><p>Elrohir felt that he was being observed even in his sleep. He purred and slowly opened his eyes. "Elladan" he said, surpriced when he saw who the voyeur was, he suddenly felt very, very naked. He quickly reached for the covers on the floor. Elladan crossed his arms over his chest. "Was it fun?" he hissed. "What ever do you mean?" Elrohir asked. Elladan did not answer, he just rolled his eyes and looked disgusted. Iwas waiting for you, Elrohir wanted to scream and shake Elladan, but he just wrapped the blanket around his waist and stood up. "And why do you have hay in your hair dear brother?" he snapped back. Elladan didn't know what to answer, "none of your business!" he said flatly. Elrohir walked over to his brother and plucked out a straw of hay from his hair. "A stable boy, is it?" he whispered acidly. Elladan looked lost and sighed. He extended his hand to caress Elrohir's cheek, but Elrohir moved away from his touch and Elladan's hand fell useless to his side. "I just came to gather my belongings" he whispered. "Oh" Elrohir said clearly irritated. "Don't let me delay you" and with that he quickly left for the bathroom.</p><p>Elladan stood alone in the room they once shared. Lost in a sea of feelings. A part of him wanted to run after Elrohir, tell him everything.. Another part felt like punching him in the face. He hurriedly began to gather his clothes and personal things in a box, hoping to be done with it before Elrohir came out of the bathroom.</p><p>Elrohir sat on the edge of the tub. Feeling stupid. He really should apologize to Elladan, he had been angry, hurt and jealous. He regretted every harsh word he had uttered to his twin, but his body would not respond, would not move until he heard the door slam. Then he let himself slide down on the floor and cry his heart out. He missed Elladan already.</p><p>Days would pass with Elladan avoiding Elrohir, or was it the other way around? No one knew. Elrond on the other hand had noticed the cold air between them and while the servants was fussing over the party, Elrond went to search for his sons. He would get this straightened out. It was heartbreaking to watch. They used to be inseparable, but now they did not even want to converse. Dinner was a nightmare. The delight full chatter that had once filled the room, was replaced with uncomfortable silence.</p><p>Elrond walked out in the garden and found Elladan, in the midst of moving a bench. "Elladan! Can I have a word with you?" Elrond said loud. Elladan stiffened on the spot and hesitated, but a servant took the bench from him and he walked towards his waiting father. "What is amiss ada?" he said softly, like a child trying not to draw attention to the mess it made. "Please follow me to my study" Elrond said and turned around so Elladan would have no choice but to follow. Most of all he looked like a dog about to take a beating. He had really wanted to behave normally towards his twin, but it was not like Elrohir acted normal either. One thing had taken the other and now they stayed clear of eachother most of the time. He knew this was what his father had noticed, this to their father strange behaviour and all the way to the study Elladan tried to come up with a lie which Elrond would believe.</p><p>Elrond made a gesture for Elladan to sit in one of the chairs, while he himself slammed the door. "Elladan! This has gone on for far, far too long!" Elrond said with almost visible rage in his voice. "What do you mean?" Elladan almost whispered. He had wanted to act innocent, but now his courage and voice failed him. "Elladan! For the sake of Arda, this is not the time to play games! What have come between you and Elrohir?" Elrond raged and slammed his fist down in the oak desk. Elladan jumped in his seat, he had never in his life seen father this mad. Oh yes, maybe once, but that was quite different. Back then he had just admitted to his crime and had been comforted and forgiven. Not this time. definitely not this time, Elladan thought with a sombre grimace. "I'm not playing games ada.. " he tried, but he could not look Elrond in his eyes, he had to look away. "I asked you a question!" Elrond tried angrilly, maybe intimidating Elladan would make him talk. "We just grew apart, that's all" Elladan answered dangerously close to tears. Elrond sat down and sighed. He himself had a twin once and Elladan knew this. Then who did he think he was fooling? Twins did not grow apart, they just chose different paths. He had never in his life thought that it would happen to his sons. What could be so important? This was peace times and no one had forced a choice from them. The Valar knew that Elrond would prolong their choice for as long as possible. "Is your fait what burdens you?" Elrond asked softly and that soft hurt tone, made the tears he had fought for so long, run down Elladan's cheeks. "No and yes ada. That is the only answer I can give you. Please believe me" Elladan looked up at Elrond. His eyes were pools of pain and torment. they made Elrond's heart twitch. "My dearest child" he started, but was cut off by Elladan who stood up from his chair and walked over to him. To Elronds surprise he sat down on his lap and wrapped his arms around his neck, just like he had done when he was an elfling. Elrond embraced his son. "Ada. Let me go to grandmother and let me stay there for some time." Elladan tightened his grip on his father. "I beg you" he whispered. Elrond was at a loss for words and swallowed a lump before he himself would begin to cry. The desperate tone in Elladan's voice could not be ignored. "If that is indeed your wish my son, I will let you leave" Elrond whispered. Elladan raised his head and looked at his father. "Then let me leave here with the other Lorien elfs, after the spring feast. Alone." Elrond looked startled "so soon? and without Elrohir?" Elladan looked dark and serious. "Yes ada. Oh please grant me that one wish". Elrond nodded sadly, "you have my blessings Elladan" and the gratitude that beamed from his son was not mistaken. "Thank you ada" he paused and took a deep breath. "Will you tell Elrohir? For I have not the heart". Elrond looked surprised. "Would you want me to? I believe he would take it kinder from you". Elladan hung his head slightly, "Perhaps ,but would you? Please ada? I know I have asked much of you already, but do me this last favour". Elrond nodded, "I will tell him later, now go take a bath and get ready, for the guests will soon arrive". Elladan smiled sadly and kissed his fathers hand. "Thank you again ada. I love you". With those words Elladan let himself slide down from his fathers lap and walked out the door, leaving Elrond to his troubled mind ,which had not become less troubled by their conversation.</p><p>Elladan went to his chambers and found his tub to be full, one of the servants must have filled it for him. He smiled and discarded his clothings then slowly lowered himself into the hot water. He couldn't believe his luck, that father had let him leave for Lothlorien. Maybe all this would go away if he stayed there and worked for grandmother, he needed something to take his mind of Elrohir.</p><p>When the door opened, Elladan did not even notice, he was lost in thoughts. When he suddenly heard a soft voice which he knew well, he opened his eyes and looked into a pair of crystalblue orbs. "Legolas! What are you doing here in my bathroom?!" Elladan said with a gasp. Legolas squatted down, leaning his arms and head on the edge of the tub, looking at Elladan. "Well you told me to come" he said and smiled at Elladan's sudden blush. "I did?" Elladan tilted his head, he could not remember sending word to Mirkwood, but then again, Legolas was not known to lie. "Yes. Asking me to ride my horse to the brim of exhaustion, for you had urgent matters to discuss with me, so I did" Legolas said with a smile and continued, "I was never one to say no to the fair princes of Imaladris, in their hour of need". Elladan's mouth became a thin line. "Get out!" he whispered. "You have the wrong twin! My brothers room is further down the corridor". Legolas did not move. "Elrohir did not ask me to come, you did" Legolas said with a strange smirk. "Get out now!" Elladan yelled and stood up pointing at the door. Legolas did not move, but just looked at Elladan. "Oh my, Elladan" he said with a laugh and Elladan suddenly became aware that he was naked. He sat down in the water with a splash, soaking Legolas. "Please leave" he said with a strained voice. Legolas looked worried at Elladan "I will wait in the next room. Let us speak when you are clothed". Elladan nodded and blushed. Legolas stood up and left Elladan alone. Elladan could not believe what had happened. Why was Elrohir so eager to make him take Legolas as a lover? There was no doubt in his mind that this, was what it was all about. Elrohir had send that letter, claiming to be him. Elladan slowly got out of the tub, and dried himself off. He then decided to wear the same pants as before, for he was not going to show himself to Legolas like that again. Though his brother had done a wise choice, there was no denying that Legolas was indeed a beautiful elf and a kind soul, he was not the one he wanted to share his passion with. Legolas was his friend. Elrohir said that the elf he knew had known a trick or two. Had Elrohir been intimate with Legolas? Elladan shook his head, off course he had. What was he thinking? Elrohir had been intimate with all of Arda as far as Elladan knew. He sighed, put on his game face and opened the door to find Legolas sitting on his bed.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. If Only I Knew the Right Words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Elladan opened his mouth to ask about the message, Legolas just smiled "I saw the cook, making those sweet cakes. Should we? Come on Elladan, say yes!" Elladan had to laugh. He clearly remembered. When they were just elflings, the three of them snuck down in the kitchen stealing sweet cakes, much to the cooks irritation and to their regret after the cook told Elrond. "Yes, lets go!" Elladan chuckled and Legolas lit up in a bright smile again. He left his belongings on Elladan's bed and they quickly ran down the corridors heading for the kitchen. Once at the kitchen door, they looked at each other and they both had to suppress a laugh. Legolas quietly opened the door and peeked inside, waving for Elladan to come and Elladan snuck up behind him. They quickly ran into the kitchen and grabbed as many cakes as they could have in their hands. Then hurried out again without being detected. Walking casually down the corridor, they looked at each other and both burst out laughing "we definitely got better at this" Elladan laughed. "Aye, don't you tell me that all those tedious training sessions did no good" Legolas giggled and Elladan laughed harder. "Maybe this time we will not have to spend the entire feast in ada's study". Legolas laughed so hard, he cried and had to steady himself against Elladan's shoulder.</p><p>Just then Elrohir walked around the corner and saw the two of them.. "Legolas. Elladan" he said and nodded to them. "Elrohir" Elladan said and stopped laughing. "Oh, there you are Elrohir. Want a sweet cake?" Legolas said still giggling. Elrohir's face hardened. "No thank you" he said, trying to sound polite, but in vain and before Legolas or Elladan could answer, Elrohir swept past them. Legolas just stared at Elladan in disbelief, "what's wrong with him, he never said no to sweets before". Elladan took a bit of a cake, instead of answering and just shrugged. Together they walked towards Elladan's room again.</p><p>Elrohir was furious and it was so, so stupid. Had he not sent for Legolas himself? Had he not written the letter pretending to be Elladan? And now that the prince was here, he was.. was Jealous! Both on Legolas and Elladan. Legolas had been HIS lover, Elladan was HIS brother and his to love. Elrohir saddened. The two of them together made him feel left out, unwanted. But then again. To deny Elladan some happiness because of his selfish feelings. It was most un-brotherly.</p><p>Just then, both Elrohir's musings, Elladan's cake eating and Legolas' giggling was brought to a halt. The sound of horses in the courtyard, and all the three faces lit up. "Grandfather" Elrohir exclaimed and in the other end of the house Elladan dropped his cake on the floor "Grandmother!" he yelled and darted out of the room. Leaving Legolas to try and catch up.</p><p>Once outside, Elladan ran to the lady of the forest and threw his arms around her. "Grandmother, I missed you so much". Galadriel smiled warmly. "Oh sweet little Elladan, I missed you too". When he suddenly heard a voice he had missed for so long "Elladan! Elrohir!", his face lit up and Galadriel let him go. "Arwen!" he heard Elrohir yell. Without a thought, they both rushed to their sister and embraced her warmly, all three of them resting their foreheads against the others. When Elladan opened his eyes, he looked right into the deep grey of Elrohir's and with a clumsy move, he let go of both his siblings. Arwen looked puzzled, but smiled. "Legolas, my flower" she said when she saw him standing a bit away from them. He smiled and went over to get an embrace too. When suddenly Legolas' face darkened. Elladan looked in the same direction as the prince, and noticed that he had seen the marchwarden. Why had they brought Haldir? Out of the corner of his eye he could see Elrohir frown too. Poor Legolas, he had been so in love with the galadrim, but had been put down. Not very kindly either, one could say. Did grandmother not sense that Haldir had no place here?</p><p>Luckily Haldir did not seem eager to speak to either of them, and left with the lord and lady of the woods. Suddenly Elrohir said "where is Estel? He never missed a feast before". Elladan chuckled, Elrohir was right, that was indeed amusing. "He will come" Elladan said with a smile. Elrohir looked, first at his brother then, at Arwen. "Come sister, let us take a walk, I must hear about your time in Lothlorien". Arwen looked back and forward at her brothers, but just shrugged and smiled, so Elrohir took her arm and walked off with her. Legolas and Elladan was left in the courtyard alone and suddenly Legolas began to laugh again. "We should really go change clothes before the feast". Elladan looked puzzled, but then he too had to laugh, Legolas was right. He was only wearing pants, no tunic and bare feet, plus his hair had not been braided. He must look like a sad excuse for a elf and not like the eldest prince of Imaladris. Legolas too. His clothes was still soaked and he most of all looked like a drowned mouse. "Yes you are right, we could use some dry clothes indeed!" and so they went off into the house again.</p><p>When they arrived in Elladan's room, Legolas went straight to his belongings and began to find some dry clothes. Elladan was getting his ceremonial robe, why was he suddenly nervous? He hadn't noticed that he was, but his fingers wouldn't button his robe. Spending an entire evening sitting beside Elrohir at a feast, having to keep up a facade, made him terrified. Scared of not being able to hold up his mask. Just don't drink the faewine, he thought to himself, but how in the world was he to get through the evening pretending to drink? That would simply not be possible. He woke from his troubled state of mind when a hand gently shook his shoulder and Legolas' soft voice Said "are you ok?" Elladan smiled to reassure the other elf "sure" he said and then Legolas lit up in a grin. "Need help with the buttons?" Elladan looked down his robe and he had buttoned it all wrong. He sighed. This was going to be a horrible evening!</p><p>Once Legolas had finished fixing Elladan's robe, he looked amused at Elladan. "Want me to braid your hair?" Elladan just sighed and nodded. Legolas went to sit on the bed and Elladan sat down between his legs. He leaned back against Legolas and let himself relax, feeling the blonde letting his fingers untangle his hair. "Will you try and speak to Haldir this night?" Elladan asked after a silent moment. Legolas sighed, "no, there is no use". He paused, "and why would I want to do that?" Elladan felt Legolas gently remove the hair from his ear and felt soft lips against the tip of his ear, "When I have you right here" Legolas whispered in Elladan's ear. Elladan felt himself pale. "w..wh...What?" he studdered. Legolas didn't move an inch, but wrapped his arm around Elladan's shoulder and let his hand stay on his stomach. "I said; Why would I want Haldir when I have you right here?" Legolas whispered and let his lips run down the edge of Elladan's ear. Elladan let out a strained groan, like an animal in pain.. Had the world gone mad?. "Get off me!" he hissed. Legolas seemed to stop his actions, but didn't move. Elladan stood up and in doing so, he pushed Legolas away. "What do you think you are doing?" Elladan said in a high pitched tone, much to his own irritation. Legolas was clearly very confused, he just sat on the bed and blushed ferociously. "But I thought that..." he started, but Elladan cut him off. "I don't care what you think! I want you to leave my chambers". Legolas looked like he had been slapped, but Elladan just continued. Standing at Legolas' feet towering up above him. "I did NOT write that message, I am NOT the one summoning you to Imaladris and I am NOT the one who's bed you will warm!" When Elladan had finished with letting out his rage, he looked upon Legolas who now was on the brim of tears. "I am so, so sorry Elladan" he whispered, "but.. But who then..?" At these words Elladan sadened, biting his lip. "Go find Elrohir, I'm sure he would be delighted with company" he hissed, but Legolas layed still on his bed, saying nothing. "GO!" Elladan Yelled. "Leave me!" Legolas grabbed his travelling bag and ran out of the door, not looking back. Elladan slammed the door after him. Damned, just how much harm could this do? He had yelled at Legolas and that was one of the last things he wanted.</p><p>He kicked the small table beside the door, it felt good, so he kicked it once more. Before he knew what had taken him, he had ravaged his entire chamber. Elladan slumped down in the midst of the mess, and cried like a child. He had lost his brother, his friend and him self. He dozed off in dark thoughts, when suddenly he felt warm hands on his cheeks, slowly raising his head. When he opened his eyes, he saw Glorfindel's worried face. "Elrond is expecting you at his table, young Elladan". Elladan let out a sigh of despair. Glorfindel continued, while wiping Elladan's tears away, "but it looks like you're in no condition to attend a feast. Shall I make your excuses?" Elladan shook his head, "I will be there" he whispered, but still looked utterly hopeless. Glorfindel tucked Elladan's hair behind his ears. "Let me help you" he said softly, but at this remark Elladan just looked scared. "Elladan" Glorfindel just said and stood up. "I have known you since you were born and yet you act like I would hit you, while my only request is to help you". Elladan slowly got up on his feet and blushed in shame. Why had he reacted so? He knew that Glorfindel would never think so of him and that he was probably just worried. "Forgive me, I would appreciate your help very much" he said avoiding Glorfindel's worried eyes. "Relax Elladan. Now let's get you ready for the feast and fast, for your father will start believe something is amiss if I don't come with you within the hour". Glorfindel walked over to the bed and picked up Elladan's head jewelry from the floor. "Or he will die out of hunger" Elladan said and smiled. Glorfindel had always lightened his mood, there was something about his calm nature that stuck with him. Glorfindel laughed, "Indeed and the rest of the feast too. Your grandfathers stomach is not to be jested with". At last Elladan relaxed and laughed too, Imagining Celeborn having a hysterical fit. Glorfindel was finally allowed to finish up Elladan.</p><p>It took Glorfindel a long time to get Elladan's unruly locks to sit where they were supposed to. Once finished, Glorfindel smiled and said "shall we?". Elladan nodded and followed him out the door. Feeling like a lamb to the slaughter. He had to get through tonight. Halfway out in the garden, Glorfindel suddenly turned. "Elladan, forgive me for being so free, but when troubled at heart..." Glorfindel leaned in and whispered in Elladan's ear, "get drunk!" Even Elladan had to laugh at this. How did Glorfindel know what was wrong? As if Elladan had spoken his thoughts out loud, Glorfindel smiled. "Oh yes, it shows little one". Elladan blushed, why he had no idea and Glorfindel chuckled. Oh if he had only known who's love it was he acquired, but Elladan was determined to keep his mask up. Glorfindel didn't seem to notice, or even to care, for he just dragged Elladan with him towards the garden.</p><p>Elladan walked towards the chair assigned to him. He would sit opposite of Elrohir, who was talking to Legolas at his side, with Elrond between them at the end of the table. Elladan looked down at the other end of the table where grandmother and grandfather sat. How he wished he could sit there instead. Just when he was about to ask his father if he would not enjoy conversation with Celeborn more, offering to trade seats with him, Glorfindel sat down next to his own seat. Well at least that was a comfort. "Sit down child so we can begin" Elrond said and Elladan knew that he had wasted his chance of changing seat. Glorfindel padded Elladan's arm gently. "Here" he whispered and filled Elladan's glass with potent wine.</p><p>Elrond held a speech about the splendour of spring, Elladan didn't listen. He tried not to look at the two elves on the other side of the table, sitting there whispering and trying just as hard not to look at him. When Elrond finally finished and the food was carried in, Glorfindel filled Elladan's glass once more and the pure torture of being seated there, made Elladan drink the sweet wine faster than he usually did. He risked a glance in Elrohirs direction, both he and Legolas seemed to be drinking at the same speed. Strange Elladan thought to himself, one would think they needed a clear mind. For.. For... He could not think that thought to an end. "You are not eating" Glorfindel whispered and right enough, Elladan's plate stood untouched. "I'm not hungry" he whispered back. As if to save Elladan from further questions, the music began and elves began to sing and dance. Elrond leaned over to Legolas, "why do you not sing for us? you sing so fair in Mirkwood" he asked him. Legolas blushed for a second, but got up to join the choir. Elrohir took a deep sip of his glass. When an elf maid came to ask him if he would care to dance, Elrohir did not feel like dancing, but it would be a lovely excuse to leave this table. Elrohir took the maids hand and walked over to the space where the musicians was seated. Elladan took his glass, which was miraculously full again and turned to watch Elrohir dance. Why was he tormenting himself so? It will soon be over, he thought to himself and looked at the Lorien elfs. He would leave with them, but as much as he did not want to watch, his eyes was fixed on Elrohir. Then suddenly Legolas grabbed Elrohir's arm and pulled him over.</p><p>Elrohir was quite surprised when Legolas had pulled him away from the maid, but when Legolas had grinned and begun to sing, Elrohir had wrapped his arm around Legolas joining him. None of them had noticed Elladan's facial expression change. When Elrohir and Legolas stopped singing and the choir of elves took over, Elladan was so tense that even Glorfindel noticed. "What's wrong child" he asked softly, but Elladan didn't answer, Afraid he would scream and yell at the golden haired elf. Then, when Elrohir and Legolas began to dance and laugh freely, Elladan turned, took his goblet and ran from the table.</p><p>He could hear his father say something and then Glorfindel's voice, apparently telling father to leave him be, for no one came after him. He went down the hill to the flower garden and sat down. He could still hear the noice of the party and he felt tears sting in the corner of his eyes. He took a sip of the goblet. Glorfindel had been right, getting drunk was the best way to get this evening over and done with. Elladan saw a figure coming towards him which he recognized immediately. Elrohir! He came over to Elladan and sat down in front of him. "What's wrong? Why did you leave?" Elrohir asked softly. Elladan looked away. "I just needed some time alone" he whispered. Elrohir noticed the lie and gently stroke Elladan's arm. "Look at me beloved" he said. Elladan turned his head slowly and looked Elrohir right into his deep grey eyes and Elrohir continued "is it Legolas?" Elladan still didn't answer but just bit his lip, for it was Legolas, but that was not all. It was Elrohir.. "Come Elladan, think no more of it" Elrohir stood up and lend Elladan a hand. Elladan took it and stood up too. He took another sip of his wine. Elrohir smiled and they began to walk slowly back to the party. Elrohir suddenly broke the silence. "It's not Legolas is it? it's the fact that you're leaving with grandmother tomorrow, am I right?" Elladan spat out the wine. "What? Who told you?" Elrohir suddenly looked mad. "Then its true! I told ada he was a liar, for I was sure that you would have told me!" Elrohir had to strain himself not to yell and attract attention to them. Elladan looked sad. "I should have, you're right Elrohir. I should have". Elrohir grabbed Elladan's arm hard. "Yes you should". Elladan looked at his brother. "Yes, but you shouldn't have written that letter to Legolas! So I guess we're even". Elrohir let go of Elladan's arm. "I didn't..." he started. "Oh, but I know you did Elrohir! It's all right though, you can keep your little fair haired lover! I don't want him!" Elladan hissed, knowing that it sounded too harsh, but he was so mad he couldn't control it. To think that Elrohir tried to lie to him! Now Elrohir raised his voice. "I did you a favour Elladan and in return you only hurt Legolas feelings!" Elladan snorted irritated, "oh so I hurt your precious little bed warmers feelings. That's just too bad brother dear. Remember I never asked for him to start with! Legolas was my friend, how could you Elrohir! The next time keep your favours to yourself!" Silence met the last word Elladan spat out. Elrohir's mouth turned into a thin line. "Elladan.." he just said and reached out to caress Elladan's cheek.</p><p>Elladan didn't even think, but just hurled the goblet and the rest of wine in the face of Elrohir. "Don't ever touch me again!" he yelled at him. Elrohir stood still for a second, with his hand on his forehead where the goblet had hit and wine running down his face. Then like thunder from a clear sky, he punched Elladan in the face. Elrohir felt like his heart would break when he saw Elldan's expression, but then Elladan hit him back and now Elrohir had no choice but to defend himself.</p><p>Elladan suddenly felt strong arms restraining him, dragging him away from Elrohir who was laying on the ground. Elladan saw Glorfindel holding Elrohir in a similar way and Legolas standing next to them. "Come" a voice said firmly and whoever it was, dragged off with him. Then the tears came. Elladan sobbed like a child. What had he been thinking, fighting his own twin? No wonder Glorfindel and Legolas took Elrohir's side. When Elladan looked down, he saw the arms that held him wore the clothing of a Lorien elf. Off course he thought bitterly. I am their responsibility now. The haunted look in Glorfindel's eyes wouldn't leave him, he had thought that Glorfindel was his friend, but apparently not! He felt a sting in his stomach. He was not ready. No, No, No! This was all wrong! He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay here and he wanted it to be back to normal. Elladan cursed himself, for ever giving in to his feelings at all!</p><p>He felt the restraint loosen as he got seated on a bench and finally he could see who had been holding him. "Haldir?" he said surprised. He had never thought that the marsh warden would care what he did or did not do. "Why do you look so surprised Elladan?" Haldir said and raised a brow. Elladan just looked lost. He wasn't even aware that Haldir knew his name. "Would you get me some more wine?" Elladan said with a small voice. Haldir crossed his arms, "I think you had more than was good for you already". Elladan just yelled "I don't care!" and then he looked at the marsh wardens stern face. "Please Haldir?" Haldir smiled, much to Elladan's surprise. "If you promise me not to leave this spot" he said and Elladan nodded obediently. After few minutes Haldir returned with a bottle and two new goblets. "Did grandmother set you up to this, to keep me away from Elrohir?" Elladan asked when Haldir had filled his goblet. "No" Haldir just said and emptied his goblet in one drag. Elladan laughed, "someone is thirsty" and Haldir had to laugh too. "I sure am. These feasts are... Oh well pretty boring actually" Haldir chuckled. Elladan took another sip of his own goblet as Haldir filled his again. "Have you spoken to Legolas?" Elladan said, instantly regretting his words. He just remembered that the two of them had met at another feast in Lorien. "Gods no!" Haldir exclaimed. "Why would I want to talk to that mewling little brat?" Elladan laughed and Haldir laughed with him. Elladan decided that he liked Haldir and was glad he came to this feast after all!</p><p>Elrohir shook of Glorfindel, or rather Glorfindel let go of him. "Gods Elrohir! What was that all about?" Glorfindel asked with a stern voice. "Never mind!" Elrohir snapped. Legolas just looked concerned. "Come Elrohir, lets have a glass of wine and relax". Elrohir nodded and took Legolas hand and so, Legolas sent a knowing look to Glorfindel who disappeared into the shadows.<br/>"Elrohir? Are you alright?" Legolas asked. Elrohir looked at his old friend and his eyes brimmed with tears. "No I'm not, Legolas. How can you even ask such a question?" Legolas bit his lip, "I'm so, so sorry Elrohir". Elrohir smiled a strained smile, "I know, peace friend" Elrohir whispered. "I better go and entertain grandmother and grandfather since they are leaving too soon" Elrohir said with a sigh. Legolas nodded and left Elrohir. He did not want to leave him at all, but in reality he needed to talk to Elladan.</p><p>Legolas saw Elladan sit on a bench giggeling with another elf, a Lorien one it looked like. Who it was didn't occur to him before he stood in front of Elladan. Legolas cleared his throat and Elladan looked up. "Legolas" he said surprised. "Elladan, Haldir" Legolas said and tried his best to sound neutral. Elladan kept looking and wondered what Legolas possibly could want him? When Legolas suddenly squatted down and rested his arms on Elladan's knees. Elladan noticed just how much Legolas tried to avoid looking at Haldir. Poor thing, Elladan thought to himself, but then Legolas spoke with a soft and small voice, "please forgive me for my actions earlier, I ment no harm. you must believe me Elladan!" Elladan grabbed Legolas' face and kissed the fair haired elf's brow. "Let not yourself be worried. I love you. You know that! I love you almost as much as.." Elladan took a sip from his goblet, "a brother" he said in an almost disappearing little voice. "Thank you" Legolas said, smiled and turned his head to say something to Haldir, when Elladan watched Haldir break out in a large grin. "Elrohir!" he said in a annoying chipper voice and Elladan watched as Elrohir walked towards them. Elrohir did not even look at Elladan he just grabbed Legolas. "Come lets dance" he said clearly irritated. Legolas got on his feet and left Elladan and Haldir with an excusing mine, dragged after Elrohir. Elladan sighed and looked at Haldir who was clearly amused and before Elladan could ask, Haldir poured more wine in Elladan's goblet. "Look at them" he said with a smile. Elladan turned his head and watched Legolas and Elrohir dancing. Haldir laughed. "your poor brother don't know what he has gotten himself into. That little child like prince is a predator in disguise" Haldir chuckled. Elladan paled. "I am pretty sure he is aware of that already" Elladan said quite acidly. Haldir smiled, "so you're jealous? Is that what the fight was about? You really should know better than to fight over a lover!" Elladan took another sip, he didn't really want more wine, but he needed to hide his croaked moan. Did Haldir really think that it was Legolas that he wanted. good! No, perfect!<br/>As the dance continued, the couple which Elladan's eyes was steadied on, got more heated and just when Elladan felt like he could watch no more, Haldir grabbed his chin gently and turned Elladan's face towards him. "don't look so sad little one" he whispered. Elladan looked right into Haldir's eyes and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry Haldir, I am such poor company. why don't you leave me to my dark mood? I'm sorry for ruining your spring feast". Elladan closed his eyes, he felt so little and hollow. He couldn't stay, he did not have the heart to leave! He had been glad for Haldir's company, but it was also understandable that he did not want to spend the entire night, sitting on a bench with a pouting lovesick drunk. Elladan sighed. "Open your eyes Elladan" Haldir said softly. Elladan slowly opened his eyes and found Haldir's eyes still right in front of his. "I want to sit here, don't ever believe different" Haldir said and gently almost ghostly light, caressed Elladan's cheek. Elladan smiled. He really did not want to be touched like that by Haldir not at all, but he needed the comfort, the understanding and the admiration, so he leaned into the caress.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Some Wander by Mistake</h2></a>
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    <p>Elrohir danced with Legolas and after a few goblets of wine, they got more flirtatious. Elrohir was just about to remove Legolas hand from his buttocks, when he turned his head and saw... Elrohir felt mad, sad and got a thug in the pelvis. He saw Elladan kissing Haldir. why was he kissing him?? He had never thought that Elladan had seen anything like that in Haldir. Actually he thought that Elladan hated Haldir. What he wouldn't give to be the one tasting Elladan's lips, but he was not. Elrohir had not even been aware that he was staring untill Legolas shook him back to reality. "It's not polite to stare" Legolas whispered in Elrohir's ear. Elrohir tore his gaze from the couple on the bench and looked into Legolas' blue orbs instead. Legolas giggled and smiled a predatory smile. Elrohir couldn't resist but to return it, though his mind was somewhere else. In his mind he was already undressed and Haldir was not there, he was!<br/>When he felt Legolas gently bite his earlobe and whisper hotly "is it true what they say about you?" Elrohir had to chuckle. He remembered the first time they had been lovers. Legolas had said those exact words and Elrohir had answered "I don't know? What do they say about me?" Now it was Legolas' turn to giggle "you remember" he whispered. "Off course" Elrohir whispered back. "Do you remember what you did next then?" Legolas whispered. Elrohir nodded slowly and let his hands travel up under Legolas tunic. Legolas let his tongue trail along Elrohir's chin and bit his skin gently. "Then why don't you show me if it's still true?" Legolas breathed against Elrohir's skin. Elrohir wanted to push Legolas away, but he did not. Might as well go along with this, he thought. It is never going to be different, never. I will never obtain what my heart so greatly desire. He smiled at Legolas and slowly removed his hands from under the tunic to grab his hand. They shot one playful glimpse at each other and they ran. Ran as fast as they could to Elrohir's rooms.</p><p>Once in Elrohir's rooms, Legolas slammed the door and laughed. "this time, we have all the time in the world" he said with a sly smile. Elrohir stood leaned up against the bedpost and looked at Legolas who stood with his back against the door. "I mean this time we don't have to worry about being disturbed by ehm.. Others" Legolas said trying to be diplomatic. Elrohir didn't answer he just smiled, trying to remind himself why he was doing this. It seemed a good idea 5 minutes ago, now he was not so sure. He wished that Elladan would come and ruin it, or better, join in. That thought went directly to Elrohir's groin and Legolas smirked as he walked over to Elrohir. "sit down" he said softly and pushed Elrohir down onto the bed. Elrohir just sat there, letting Legolas slowly undress him. He had to give Legolas that. This was something he had gotten better at. Better by far. Kissing and licking the bare skin as he revealed it and at the time he was finished, Elrohir was holding his breath, biting his lip. Legolas smiled as he saw Elrohir's eyes grow dark with passion. Passion for him. Legolas slowly undressed himself too and crawled up into the bed with Elrohir.<br/>Their lovemaking was fast and furious. Once Elrohir had set the pace he had both himself and his lover spent quickly. Afterwards Elrohir layed panting on the bed, with Legolas was lazily letting his finders trail down Elrohir's torso, Elrohir turned his head and to his surprise, he saw that Legolas looked sad. He knew it had not been the best sex he had had in his life, but still, - no reason to look like crying. "What's wrong love?" Elrohir whispered and caressed Legolas chin, letting his thumb run over the full lips of the other. "That is just it" Legolas said with a small voice. Elrohir looked stunned. "What are you talking about?" Legolas looked up upon Elrohir and swallowed a lump. "love" he whispered, "love?" Elrohir repeated, feeling like a complete idiot. "You were not making love to me" Legolas whispered. Elrohir felt more and more lost. "What are you talking about? What do you call this then? Embroiding?" Now Legolas let go of Elrohir and sat up. "don't patronize me Elrohir! I meant it was not me you took your joy in" he said with a thick voice. Elrohir sat up and wrapped his arms around Legolas. "Dearest Legolas, offcouse I was here with you. There is nowhere I would rather be" Elrohir whispered against Legolas' neck. "I wish I could believe that" Legolas said in a sad tone. Elrohir turned Legolas so he would face him. "Look at me Legolas, tell me what ails you so, that you must speak of it now" Legolas looked away, this was stupid. Why had he reacted so? Elrohir was not his love! They were not in love. Was he himself in love? Legolas sighed "you... you" he studdered. Elrohir kissed Legolas temple "did I hurt you? You can tell me.." Legolas took a deep breath, "you called me..." Legolas stopped not sure if he should tell Elrohir, but Elrohir just sat next to him, waiting. How would he ever be able to keep something like that from his old friend and lover? "You called me Elladan" Legolas whispered. Elrohir froze and Legolas looked at him. Elrohir looked like he was about to deffecate. "I'm... I'm sorry Legolas" Elrohir studdered. Legolas looked at Elrohir with tears in his eyes. "Is that what is eating you and Elladan from the inside?" Elrohir looked surprised, at lack of words. Legolas hugged Elrohir. "I may share your bed, but please remember, I'm also your friend, I wont shun you. Even though everyone else will. I promis" Legolas whispered. Elrohir smiled. "Thank you" he whispered.<br/>Legolas layed his head against Elrohir's chest. "Will you share your thoughts with me?" Legolas asked sadly. Elrohir sighed and wrapped his arm around Legolas. "I cannot place you in that dilemma and I hardly think that this is the right time, nor place to discuss such a matter" Elrohir whispered, hoping that he could kill this conversation before it began.</p><p>Elladan stirred as the first rays of sun hit him. He awoke when a wave of nausea hit him and without thinking, he turned his head over the side of the bed and vomited. He coughed as his stomach wouldn't seem to stop contracting and when it finally stopped, he slumped back on the bed. Why was he feeling so terrible? He opened his eyes slowly. The dawning sun hurt them and to his horror he did not recognize the room. Where was he?? He quickly sat up, trying to stop the room from spinning. He held a hand over his mouth, trying not to vomit once more. He looked at his arm and let his eyes follow the skin to his chest. Was he naked? Elladan gently lifted the covers. Oh no! Elladan felt like he was close to tears, he kept repeating "oh no, oh no" as if it was a mantra. This was a guest room, but who's room? Then the truth dawned for Elladan "Haldir!" he gasped. No, no, no, no! This was wrong! All wrong! His head hurt too much, he couldn't think straight. There was only one explanation to him being in Haldir's quarters and not to forget being naked there. Elladan failed to hold the last remains in his stomach inside, and turned his head and vomited again. This was a nightmare, a bad dream. A...a.. Elladan fell back into the bed and then a memory stuck with him. He remembered coming here. He remembered Haldir laughing softly, when he had fallen over, trying to take off his pants. In doing so he had hurt his head. Elladan let a hand slowly touch his forehead. There was a little bump. "Oh no" Elladan whispered. It was true. He had come here by own free will and he had, Elladan closed his eyes, shared this bed with the marshwarden. Glimpses of what had happened returned to Elladan. He moaned like an animal in pain. He had whimpered and begged Haldir to touch him, to give him release. "Oh no". Elladan hid his face in his hands. He needed a bath, he needed to wash the Lorien elf off him. Elladan sat up again and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, careful not to tread in his own spill. When he stood up, he felt dizzy again, it felt like a million needles in his brain. He was going to kill Glorfindel for that poor advice.<br/>Then suddenly it struck Elladan. Where was Haldir? Never mind, he told himself, he is probably down for breakfast and Elladan was in no hurry to face the marchwarden. This must without a doubt be the most stupid thing he had ever done! He did not want Haldir, not by far, but his body had apparently told him different, Ayia! What about Legolas? He had to find him, had to talk to him before he left for Lorien. And Elrohir, he had to talk to him too..<br/>Elladan took some slow steps wrapped in the covers. He wanted to run, sprint to his chambers and never emerge again, but he knew both running and hiding was out of the question.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Cry Me a River</h2></a>
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    <p>Elladan reached his chambers without any encounters. He threw the cover away for a servant to wash, it smelled of lust and of Haldir. Elladan frowned.</p><p>He whent to the bathroom and since no one had prepared a bath for him, he poured water over his entire body, grabbed a cloth and started to scrub his skin. He scrubbed till it bled from little scratches and then scrubbed even harder. He could not get the other elf off himself, it was as if he stuck to his skin. If he hadn't been disturbed by a knock on the door, he would probably have kept scrubbing till he was raw and bleeding all over. Elladan turned and there was Legolas lookin in through the halfshut door. "I am out here" Elladan said in a tired voice and Legolas walked slowly through the room and came into the bathroom. "Elladan" Legolas said with a frightened look at Elladan's bleeding skin. Elladan suddenly threw the cloth away and turned to hug the Sinda. "Forgive me, please forgive me. I never meant for all of this to happen" Elladan sobbed against Legolas' shoulder. Legolas was about to speak when Elladan continued "I never meant to be harsh with you and I never meant to go with Haldir". He raised his head to look at Legolas, who was completely startled. "Can you ever forgive me?" Elladan whispered.</p><p>Legolas saw the tears running down Elladans cheeks. "I believe I can" Legolas answered hoarsely. Elladan sent him a strained smile through his tears and hugged Legolas once more. "I don't think I could stand to loose you as friend too" Elladan whispered and let go of Legolas.</p><p>Most of all Elladan wanted to hit Legolas, order him back to his damned forest and scream and yell at him, but he knew he had no right! If Elrohir wanted Legolas, it was none of his business and he could not hold it against Legolas nor his brother.</p><p>Legolas wanted to tell Elladan about Elrohir and what he had said to him, but he couldn't, this was Elrohir's story to tell. He wanted to tell Elladan how sorry he was, that he had messed with something he should not have. Wanted to tell him that Elrohir had whispered Elladan's name in his ear while they were sharing bed and had screamed it as he had found release. All of this he wanted to say, but both his heart and mouth failed him and he could do nothing but hug the half-elf infront of him.</p><p>Elladan let go of Legolas again and wrapped a towel around his waist. "What brings you here?" Elladan asked and walked past him. "I..I just wanted to see if you we're alright" Legolas lied. "I am" Elladan answered from the other room. "Oh, okay. Then I will see you at the morning meal" Legolas replied and darted out of the room.</p><p>Elladan sighed, at least he had made peace with Legolas.</p><p>He slowly finished up and carefully chose the most comfortable travelling clothes. Elladan bit his lip. It felt so wrong to run. To leave his family behind like this. He shook his head as if to rid his mind of all thoughts. No, he had to do this. He gave his chambers one last look and left for the dining hall.</p><p>When he arrived in the dining hall, he found Elrond drinking his tea and Glorfindel trying to finish an apple, which, from the look of it, did not seem to be what he wanted most. "Good morning to you" Elrond chuckled with a mischeavious grin on his face. Elladan replied politely, sat down and let his father pour him a cup of tea. "Have you seen your brother or Legolas?" Elrond asked with a smile. Elladan shook his head as he took the cup from his fathers hand, trying very hard not to let his feelings show. As he slowly sipped his tea, Glorfindel reached out and touched his forehead. "Ouch, that must have been painful" he giggled. Elladan flinched at the touch and hissed, "maybe". "You really must learn to control your taste for wine my son" Elrond said, still smiling. Elladan wanted to slam his fist in the table and yell that it had all been Glorfindel's fault and that he was fully capable of controlling his tastes, but the golden haired elf sat there smiling brightly and then said "Good thing Haldir was there to carry you to your chambers". Glorfindel giggled at his own wits and Elrond looked thoughtful. Then he took another sip of his tea. "I must remember to thank him, when they return" he said to himself.</p><p>Elladan spurted out his tea. "When they return???" he asked unable to hide his surprise. "Yes my son, they left for Lothlorien at sunrise. Which reminds me, your grandmother wanted you to have this". Elrond handed Elladan an object wrapped in a cloth and Elladan opened it. To his surprise it contained a beautiful crafted dagger. He looked, first at the dagger and then turned his eyes to Elrond. "Its a dagger of the Noldorin" Elrond explained softly. "But why?" Elladan asked taken totally aback. "I do not know" Elrond said, "your grandmother is a wise woman and she must have her reasons for giving it to you".</p><p>Elladan looked at the dagger, he couldn't believe it had been used in battle. It still looked as the day it was made. "I will be sure to thank her thoroughly upon arrival in Caras Galadon" he whispered. Elrond frowned. "Do you still intend to go through with this plan of yours?" Elrond asked frowning and Elladan nodded, "yes I am. Which reminds me.. I should really hurry after them. If I ride fast I should be able to reach them before nightfall". "I will make the preparations" Glorfindel said softly with a look in Elronds direction, but Elladan cut him off "No! I will have to ride now".</p><p>Elrohir woke at the sound of a chipper bird singing on his balcony, he stretched slowly and looked around. Where was Legolas? Never mind, he thought and got out of bed. His legs hurt and could hardly carry his weight. Elrohir leaned on the bedpost and laughed softly, I must have strained myself last night. Still laughing he limped to the bathroom where someone, to his surprise, had filled the bathtub. Oh well, he thought and slowly lowered himself into the hot water. Seconds later, Legolas came entered the room carrying a breakfast tray. "Elrohir?" he called out and Elrohir replied lazily from the tub. Legolas came into the bathroom and put the tray on the edge of the bathtub. "Do you like your bath?" he asked with a smile. Elrohir who was about to grab a piece of bread stopped in the middle of the movement. "You? You made it?" he whispered. Legolas nodded and blushed slightly which puzzled Elrohir. He had never seen Legolas blush like that before. "I thought you might want one" Legolas whispered in an almost disappearing voice. Elrohir laughed softly " My dear Legolas, you must have read my mind"</p><p>Legolas smiled and when Elrohir gently caressed his hand resting on the edge of the tub, his heart beat like it was working it's way out of his ribcage. When had he fallen in love? He searched his heart, but he could not tell at which point Elrohir had taken Haldir's place.</p><p>But it was impossible! Elrohir's heart belonged to another, he knew that, he would never hold it. He might borrow it, let himself be warmed there, but only briefly. He could warm Elrohir's bed and chase his shadows away for a little while, but never would he be the one for whom Elrohir's heart beat. Never would he see true love shine from those grey eyes. Lust and acceptance yes, but never love. Legolas knew this to be painfully true.</p><p>"Legolas? Is something wrong?" Elrohir asked softly, but Legolas just shook his head slowly. "No, no worry my friend" he answered in a sad tone.</p><p>As Elrohir made a move to get out of the bathtub, Legolas stood up and walked out of the bathroom. What is wrong with him? Elrohir thought to himself, but pushed the thought away and glanced at the mirror. For a second he was able to make himself believe that it was Elladan looking back at him from inside the mirror, smiling. Then he returned to his sences, he knew it was not so.</p><p>He thought of the feast the night before and frowned at himself. Instead of telling Elladan the truth, he had aggravated him and hurt his feelings. Now he was leaving and he knew there would be no second chance. How he wished that the feast had been different, that Elladan had heard him out. He would have to try and grab a hold of him before he left. If he did not, he would not be able to live alone here in Imladris. He needed to be sure that Elladan would return. "I will follow", had that not been what he said? So why did he not? He wanted to, by the Valar how he wanted, But Elladan had made it quite clear to him, that he wasn't welcome on the journey.</p><p>When Legolas suddenly yelled from the top of his lungs, Elrohirs musings was brutally interrupted. "Elrohir, Elrohir! Come quickly!"</p><p>Elrohir didn't even finish to bind his pants, but just rushed to Legolas who was standing on the balcony. He stood next to him, and followed the point of Legolas finger. Elrohir paled. Elladan... Getting on his horse.. No, No, No! He can't leave me now. "Elladan!" he called out and Elladan turned his head to look in the direction of the voice. He saw his brother, standing on the balcony with Legolas. Feeling the tears threatening with their arrival, he closed his eyes, trying to force them away, then he waved at them and kicked his horse so hard that the poor animal almost jumped on the spot. He galloped out of the courtyard, away from the last homely house.</p><p>He regretted that he had not taken more time to say farewell to his father, but he needed to leave, had to leave, before his heart would make him stay.</p><p>Once over the bridge, he spurred the hose to go faster.</p><p>"No!" Elrohir whispered and turned away from the image of the empty courtyard. Legolas looked as if at the edge of crying. He turned around and embraced Elrohir, who was already in tears. "go!" Legolas whispered. "go after him!" The look that Elrohir gave him, nearly broke his heart. He had never seen Elrohir's eyes shine with so much love and hope. "Yes" he said and wiped a tear away. "Youre right, I will." He hugged Legolas harder, "What would I ever do without you?" he said and smiled. Legolas tried to smile back, but the smile never reached his eyes. "I will go prepare your horse" he said quietly and let go of Elrohir.</p><p>As soon as Legolas had put the rein on Elrohir's horse, Elrohir came running into the stables. Legolas wanted to say something, but the words would not pass his lips.</p><p>"Thank you" Elrohir said and kissed Legolas cheek, before taking over the rein and jumping up on the horse's back. "Your hair is not braided and you need a saddle" Legolas said, instantly feeling stupid. He was just making up excuses for Elrohir to stay a little longer, but Elrohir just smiled. "I don't deserve your friendship Legolas. Don't worry, I will return soon" Legolas nodded. "I will let Master Elrond know you left, so he will not worry himself too much." Elrohir smiled and spurred his horse riding quick as he could out of the stable, out of the courtyard. As Legolas lost sight of him, he finally let go of his tears.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. No Longer My Self, Only You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(chapter made to Milena)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elladan rode his horse to the brim of exhaustion, but still there was no sight of the Lorien party. He slowed the pace and jumped off the horse. "You poor thing" he said softly and padded the side of the mare, feeling slightly guilty that the horse had suffered under his own frustrations..</p><p>When he had walked for a little while along side the horse, he heard the thunder of hooves not far away. He turned his head and looked at the approaching rider. Was it? It could only be! Elrohir! No! Not now. Not him! Elladan quickly swung himself un the back of the mare again, spurring it to fast as it could. After a while, white foam formed around the mouth of the horse, she was tired now and Elrohir had a stronger horse, he was getting closer. Elladan knew his little mare couldn't go on like this for much longer and he heard Elrohir yell, "Elladan! Stop!" As much as it hurt inside, he did not, instead he tried to block out Elrohir's voice and just when he almost thought he had succeeded, he felt something hit him with great force from behind throwing him to the ground. The impact with the ground pushed the breath out of him.</p><p>Then, silence... Hands turned him around and what he saw made his heart miss a beat. "Elrohir" he whispered, still panting from the hard ride. Elrohir smiled sadly at Elladan and let his hand slowly run over Elladan's slightly flustered cheeks.</p><p>For a moment Elladan vaguely thought of trying to get free, but when he felt soft lips kiss his own, he let out a sigh and gently tucked Elrohir's loose hair behind his ear, only to let his fingertips journey down Elrohir's jaw and end on the soft lips. He felt Elrohir smile and kiss each of his fingertips. Elladan opened his mouth to say something, but Elrohir placed his own fingers at Elladan's lips to hush him. There was no need for words, for once again Elladan's eyes mirrored his own. They spoke of torment and love and something underneath. Forbidden lust.</p><p>"I will follow"</p><p>It seemed to Elladan that time had stopped and the only thing he saw was his twins large grey orbs. "Love me" he heard a soft voice whisper, had it been his? Had it been Elrohir's? All his doubt and defences disappeared as he felt Elrohir's lips brush his again, he felt Elrohir tremble slightly just like he himself did. Was Elrohir just as scared as him? Elladan sighed and finally let himself return the tender caresses that his brother showed him. There was no longer fear in his heart, only love. A promise of things to come.</p><p>Elrohir welcomed his warm touches, allowing his heart to sing. He was not alone anymore, he only needed to open his eyes and watch Elladan's loving gaze, listen to the soft purr that escaped his twin as he gently bit him in the neck and as their touches and kisses grew more bold, more intense, they both felt like something fell into place inside their hearts. This could not be wrong, this was right. It felt right, it felt like home.</p><p>Curled up in each other, Elladan kissed Elrohir and let his hand trail down his naked body. Elrohir giggled lazily "you are tickling me" which only made Elladan repeat his move, running his hand over Elrohirs stomach once more and chuckling, "am not!" Elrohir cringed, "are too" he protested and poked Elladan repeatedly in the sides. This sent Elladan into a laughter fit and Elrohir took advantage of the moment to throw himself on top of his twin and force Elladan's arms over his head. He kissed Elladan's nose and smiled. "I love you". Elladan looked into his brothers eyes and smiled back at his mirror image, "and I love you".</p><p>They had been cuddling up and had rested only for a short while when Elladan woke. He had forgotten where he was so when he felt a warm body cling to his, he nearly panicked. Then he remembered and smiled to himself. He had made love to Elrohir and Elrohir had loved him back. He could still feel the warmth it had created inside him. "I love you", he whispered as he carefully untangled himself from Elrohir's embrace and Elrohir whimpered in his sleep when the body contact was broken. Elladan got dressed thinking he wanted to build a fire, for they had both been in such a hurry leaving, none of them had brought blankets. The night was going to be cold and he did not want his beloved Elrohir to freeze as he was about to leave.</p><p>For some reason he felt inclined to bring the dagger Elrond had given him from Galadriel. Nothing is out there, he thought, but one can never be too careful he chided himself, hearing his fathers voice. Elladan's mare lifted her head when she heard her master move around. Elladan smiled and went over to the her .He kissed her nose, "don't worry, I will be back shortly. Take care of Elrohir if he should awake while I am gone" The horse rubbed her head gently against Elladan's chest in reply and Elladan padded the horse and walked away.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. My Lovers Gone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He fastened the dagger in the edge of his pants and ventured off to find firewood, but found nothing useful in sight. The thought of going to far away from Elrohir made him nervous somehow, but there was no way around it. Elladan sighed and walked further away. No matter if he liked it or not, they needed firewood.</p><p>The darkness grew tighter and Elladan watched the horizon, a storm was coming. He'd better hurry up and get back to Elrohir so they could seek shelter. As soon as he had finished the thought, the wind gained and he heard a noise. Elladan froze.. What was that? Must be an animal, nothing is out here he tried to tell himself and forced himself not to run. He could almost hear Elrohir's mocking voice "scared of the dark, are we?" Elladan shrugged. It was colder now.. Wait! There was that noise again. Now Elladan was sure, it was not his imagination at all. Something or somebody was following him.</p><p>He instantly set up his pace..</p><p>There! He heard it, voices mumbling. He paled. Orcs! Instinctively he whent for his swords, but then remembered that he had left them with Elrohir and only brought the dagger. No! Elrohir! He started running back towards the white spot infront of him, knowing that it was his mare and the only clear focus point he could see.</p><p>Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his leg and he stumbled. To his horror he saw an arrow sticking out of his right leg. A lightning split the sky and he saw 6 orcs coming towards him, one carrying a crossbow. Elladan struggled hard to get on his feet again. Got to save Elrohir! He knew he couldn't take on 6 armed orcs with a dagger, but it seemed he had no choice.</p><p>There again! The same sharp pain. Another arrow. This is not happening his mind told him. You are still laying next to Elrohir. Snuggling up to his warm body, feeling him breathe lightly on your neck, but the pain from the arrows and the rain in his face was a constant reminder that this was not a nightmare. He drew his dagger and slit the throat on the first orc that came near him. Then saw movement to his right and ducked. The blow of the orcs sword missed him and he plunged his dagger in the heart of the unlucky beast.</p><p>When the first blow hit him. He didn't understand what it was. He only felt pain and turned around to see what hit him. As he did, he let go of the dagger which was still burried in the flesh of the orc he stabbed.</p><p>And then, another blow...<br/>Stars danced before his eyes. This is not happening his mind told him again. Not happening. Not real!</p><p>Elrohir woke at the sound of thunder and his first thought was Elladan. Where was he? His horse was still there, so he wouldn't have gone far. Whit this reassuring thought, he grabbed his leggings. Elladan's swords was still here too. Where could he have gone? Then he heard something.<br/>Elrohir stood up, his heart beat fast from fear. When the lightening lit the sky, he saw a figure lying on the ground with a group approaching it. Elladan!! No! Elrohir grabbed Elladan's swords and ran towards the scene in the horizon. Ai Elbereth! Please let Elladan be unharmed, I could not bare it if he was hurt.</p><p>Another blow.<br/>Elladan's legs gave in and he fell to the ground. Still not believing what was happening, he layed still waiting for Elrohir to wake him from his nightmare.</p><p>Elrohir reached the group of orcs just as Elladan hit the ground. "Elladan!" he screamed from the top of his lungs, but the thunder blocked out his voice.</p><p>Elrohir fought like a madman and even when the last orc had tasted his swords, he still swung them. Then he remembered. Elladan! Elrohir cast the swords to the ground and rushed to Elladan who was laying face down in the mud. Carefully Elrohir turned him around, "Elladan?" he whispered, but Elladan's eyes just stared blank and vacant back at him, as if they were asking a question. "Elladan?" Elrohir whispered again and shook his brother lightly but there was no response, just the same question in the empty eyes.</p><p>Elrohir couldn't even breathe. This could not be. Elladan was a skilled fighter. No this could not be! "Elladan!" he said loud "they are gone now. Please wake up. Elladan my sweet Elladan. My brther!" The last came out as a sob and Elrohir gathered Elladan in his arms, rocking him back and forth, as if to comfort him. No response, just the question in his brothers eyes, as if he himself had not understood what had happened. Elrohir gently wiped the mud of his brothers face and let his fingers travel over the once warm and smiling lips. Now they were still and cold. Elrohir felt as his heart broke. The piece he had just found, scattered into a thousand pieces. He kissed Elladan's cold forehead. "We're you afraid my love?" he whispered, half expecting an answer, but there came none. Just the silence and the sound of rain.</p><p>It seemed as if even the sky was weeping..</p><p>-The End-</p>
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